I Remember the Dumbest Crap

When I was in high school, I remember there was a huge thing about Joe Camel and Camel cigarettes. Some people claimed that the cartoonish Joe was marketing tobacco to kids while others claimed that adults watched cartoons as well. At the time, I thought the entire argument was stupid because, when it comes to target audiences, kids are like poorly aimed shotguns. You’re going to miss most of the time but sometimes, every so often, kids latch onto a commercial no matter what the hell it’s selling. Besides, it was far more disturbing to me that Joe Camel’s face was very obviously a penis with a massive set of testicles hanging out below.

Good lord, what happened to these idiots? Did the Grimace have them all whacked?
Good lord, what happened to these idiots? Did the Grimace have them all whacked?

Big Mac, Mc DLT, a Quarter-Pounder with some cheese
Fillet-o-Fish, a hamburger a cheeseburger, a Happy Meal
Mcnuggets, tasty golden french fries, regular and larger sizes
And salads, chef or garden or a chicken salad oriental
Big Big Breakfast – Egg McMuffin, hot hotcakes and sausage
Maybe biscuits, bacon, egg and cheese and sausage, danish, hashbrown too,

and for dessert hot apple pies and sundaes three varieties.

A soft serve cone, three kinds of shakes, and chocolately-chip cookies,
and to drink a Coca-Cola, Diet Coke, an orange drink, a Sprite, a coffee (decaf too) a lowfat milk also an orange juice.

I remember that stupid, fucking song. I remember that it came on a shitty vinyl record in some magazine and I remember playing the damn thing and it sounded horrible. It sounded like the song, but farted by a constipated Wookie because maybe you shouldn’t try shipping vinyl records in magazines.

Of course McDonald’s used to pander to kids. That was their point. Now they have these weird sort-of coffee shop looking McDonald’s with proper tables, couches, and big screens tuned to the news or PBS. It’s a like a Starbucks for cardiac arrest.

That’s not what I remembered this week though. Have you ever just launched into a song you heard as a kid, even though you’d not thought about it for years? And I mean years. I mean a song that you heard all the time when you were four or five, then hadn’t heard since?

By any chance, was it a commercial jingle? By any chance, did it get stuck in your head for hours?

So I remember this, and I think back to all of the times I watched these commercials for this stupid beer. I loved these dumb commercials because the bear was funny. The Hamm’s Bear was better than Hamm’s Beer, which is probably why they got bought out by Miller. To this day I’ve never had Hamm’s. I’ve had all manners of beer, good and bad, cheap and expensive. Never had Hamm’s.

I guess the commercial didn’t work. Still, can you imagine the people freaking out over Joe Camel getting a dose of this on their telly? It’s not cartoon-ish, it really is a cartoon, and they’re using it to sell beer. In the end, it didn’t work for me. Though I wouldn’t mind having a plush Hamm’s Bear sitting on my bed.

Same thing with another beer commercial burned into my childhood brain. Now, this is one that I put out there to my readers. Did you live somewhere other than Washington State? And if so, does this make any sense to you? Picture a motorcycle, riding toward you and shifting gears. Now imagine the gear shifting sounds like:

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii – Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr -Beeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr….

Did you live somewhere other than Washington State and see that commercial? I literally do not know if that was a national advertising campaign or not. But I sure as hell remember this shit:


There must be something wrong with our brains or, at the very least, there’s something wrong with mine. I haven’t a clue what I learned in high school math because I got really interested in math in college. I have trouble keeping my family’s birthdays straight. Speaking of math, I had to do math a few weeks ago to remember how old I am. Let me repeat that, I had to sit down and subtract 1976 from 2013 to obtain my age.

Meanwhile I can tell you the names of all the Technobots and that they merge into Computron. I can, at this moment, give you an impromptu lecture on the samurai’s loss of privileges at the beginning of the Meiji Restoration of 1868 and how this lead the nation of Japan to the militarism of World War II. I can explain, in great detail, why KDE is superior to Unity and Gnome when it comes to desktop environments in open source operating systems and why I believe that it’s not a sin to install a GUI on a Linux server.

I think my daughter was born July 23. Let me ask. (I’m literally asking my wife right now.)

Oh good, I got it right.

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